the first time

the first time, i hadn’t wanted it.  i had a sudden saddening as i compared it to winona ryder in mermaids, as her inner dialogue is saying, “this is really it,” and i knew that this wan’t even a person i liked – not really, so, even in my sharing that experience with her, i was not actually like she was.  i was not just exploring, i was doing bad.

and, what’s worse, i didn’t even want it.  i could imagine the idea forever, but it didn’t mean that i actually wanted it.  but, in that passive way i do, i let it happen, and i partly ignored that it was happening.  i also had been drinking the past couple hours-ish, and was definitely drunk.

perhaps this is why i so dislike being drunk – i allow for stupidity to happen, and i do nothing about it.  aka i get into trouble, if only with myself, letting myself down, even if no one else even notices.

 

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