the worst part?

perhaps the worst part, aside from the fact that is happened, and the part that i often won’t even allow my own private thoughts to acknowledge, is that there were parts i enjoyed about it all.

i enjoyed having someone seek me out.

i enjoyed having (at least some) sexual release1.

i enjoyed having someone to check up on, and who even would check in on me at times.

i enjoyed having a secret – it felt special, somehow.


1 okay, but let’s be real here for a minute.  he was incredibly, totally and incredibly, lame in terms of pleasing or satisfying me sexually.  even when he specifically was pursuing me “pleasure” (by oral means, you see), i received little pleasure from it.  it was mostly a waiting annoyance with just enough satisfaction  involved to allow me to tolerate the act.