perhaps the worst part, aside from the fact that is happened, and the part that i often won’t even allow my own private thoughts to acknowledge, is that there were parts i enjoyed about it all.
i enjoyed having someone seek me out.
i enjoyed having (at least some) sexual release1.
i enjoyed having someone to check up on, and who even would check in on me at times.
i enjoyed having a secret – it felt special, somehow.
1 okay, but let’s be real here for a minute. he was incredibly, totally and incredibly, lame in terms of pleasing or satisfying me sexually. even when he specifically was pursuing me “pleasure” (by oral means, you see), i received little pleasure from it. it was mostly a waiting annoyance with just enough satisfaction involved to allow me to tolerate the act.